ADVERTISEMENT

    April Fools Day: Michael B. Coleman Announces Plans to Run for Fifth Term as Mayor

    This morning, city officials and reporters gathered in the Council Chambers of City Hall as Michael B. Coleman announced, “Never mind, I’m running for re-election.”

    ADVERTISEMENT

    Attendees to the press conference cheered as the longest-serving and first African-American mayor in Columbus history explained that his decision late last year to decline a fifth term in office was a mistake, made in haste and without giving enough thought to how god-awful boring it is not being mayor of a major city.

    “The city of Columbus has become a part of who I am. It is in my blood. I love the city of Columbus. I love the residents of Columbus. I love being mayor of Columbus,” a tearful Coleman told reporters. “So yeah, I’m not leaving. That would be stupid. Being mayor is awesome.”

    Surrounded by his family, cabinet and staff, Coleman explained that beyond how unimaginably cool it is to be in charge of a city and rarely, if ever, face a challenger for that office, he has also realized that after nearly two decades as mayor, he has very few marketable skills other than the governance of a moderate, yet fast-growing, municipality.

    “Professional sports is more or less out of the question,” said the once and future Mayor. “And it was explained to me that people usually do not deliver ‘state of the anything’ addresses in the private sector.”

    Coleman acknowledged that this reversal might disrupt the ongoing mayoral election, though Franklin County Democratic Party officials were on hand to redirect their endorsement to the mayor-in-perpetuity. Coleman promised, however, that he pursues re-election with a long list of plans for the city.

    “I feel great and I have a lot of energy and I have a whole lot of new ideas,” said Coleman, before retrieving a pocket notebook and actually reading his list of ideas for approximately 20 minutes.

    Some were thoroughly thought-out, like the Hilltop reinvestment plan, the COTA Light Rail System (which Coleman mapped himself) and an audacious effort to bring the Apple corporate headquarters to Weinland Park.

    Other ideas were clearly less developed, like “LeVeque Tower wind turbine,” “new Halloween costume” and something called “hand-crafted artisan swagger.” But with Coleman’s impressive imagination and impervious electability, even those plans might one day come to fruition.

    “I cannot express enough the gratitude I have for the citizens of this city for allowing me to be in charge for a long as I want,” said His Mayoralty toward the end of the address. “And I promise to repay all of the trust you have put in me. I promise not to leave office until we have secured the 2028 Summer Olympic Games for Columbus. At which point, I will happily endorse Andy Ginther for mayor.”

    When reached for comment, Council President Ginther sighed and said, “Whatever, man.”

    ADVERTISEMENT

    Subscribe

    More to Explore:

    Jesse Bethea
    Jesse Betheahttps://columbusunderground.com
    Jesse Bethea is a freelance features writer at Columbus Underground covering neighborhood issues, economics, science, technology and other topics. He is a graduate from Ohio University, a native of Fairfax, Virginia and a fan of movies, politics and baseball. Jesse is the winner of The Great Novel Contest and the author of Fellow Travellers, available now at all major retailers.
    ADVERTISEMENT